iknowyoureadthissoletmejustsayitnow:
sitting here and staring at this unfinished list of thingstolookforwardto brings such a reverberating sadness to me right now. just because, in order to be able to do these things, i know that it takes two...

and not knowing if i'll ever get a chance to even try breaks my heart...

...but at this junction, you've made me a much better person in so many ways. so thank you, miss. and liveitup. ... always.


dailygrindisapieceof $#!^:
work is work. I used to enjoy that but now, things have changed. smaller work place. unfamiliar faces that can't make the time of day to relax and chat for 10 seconds. and a crabby old lady who can't say anything positive while works. ... work used to be my escape from everything else troubling me. but now, - there's no more colin antics, jew jokes from lauren, eric's psychedelic insights about crackers, vibrant smiles from jacqulyn, will's incessant appetite for male butt camera phone pictures, encouragement from darrin, smokin' hot UCI greeks, sweet young-old jan and her hubby inspiring me to be good to a girl, or sucking up to Orange County fire house #4 firemen. ... how the hell did i ever trade all of that for more money? ... yet still, I push on. because to get to the 14th floor on Beach Blvd, i need to get through here first. .. god forbid that i turn into a zombie or a bitter old man someday. ... do me a favor, if we ever end up in legnthy bitching sessions about my job, please slap me and say "power ranger".


agreatreminderofagreatthing:
everywhere i go. i feel like i'm living off my past, unwillingly. as i continue this journey of meeting new people, it always comes back to CADC this and CADC that. how strange. in a sense, it makes me feel washed up. But seeing them a little bit during welcome week changed my attitude. ... seeing everyone interact with each other and having fun in the midst of their chaotic schedule reminded me of the reason for staying so long and giving up so much. i stayed so long because they were my irvine family, and i gave up so much because they gave me so much in return. for moments like those. together. ... you don't just see something great, but rather, feel it. even in the cavernous Bren Events center, i felt the sense of togetherness, and funness. i miss that immensely. trying to get away from such a good thing never works out i guess. i am a CADC alumni, and i'd like to wear those 4 letters to the grave. thank you.

www.cadcuci.net (awesome job, shosh)


andcuemyescape:
however stupid or smart this maybe, i've decided on getting out of here. at least, for a few days. ... where, i dunno. this is my adventure. i've never taken a roadtrip. i've been compiling a roadtrip soundtrack that hopefully fits the bill. so... if you'd be so kind, leave a couple suggestions. i'll grill you a steak and be your friend.


speakingoffriends:
i've got some pretty good ones. =o) ... and i plan on seeing old ones. give me some time. thank you much.

LISTOFTHEMOMENT:

montreal style grilled steak
watching hook
joanna's goofy expressionisms
giants clobbering the dodgers
mertyl st. beach sunsets
listening to "johnny be good"
dance partner with chemistry
mint chocolatechip ice cream
newcastle tap
fall weather and fashion
non-homosexual afternoon drives with eric
peppermint scented candles
ghost recon mods
you.

... things that make me feel exhuberant and excited ... i can't imagine a world without these things.



the return of SHADINESS:
my pick of the week has to be...

phil's (ex)roomate he despises: "where's my ($700) bed?"

phil: "oh, that? i threw it away. sorry. we had to move real quick and you weren't around"

me: (sometime later at new place) ... hey nice bed. where'd you get it?

phil: "thanks." ... *grin*...shady.



Phil the "big O" obbertube's RANK IN SHADYNESS:

anyways. here are the pictures of the moment: sorry. that'll come soon. but, if you'd like to check out a pretty damn cool photographer, go to

final thoughts: listening to christmas music never made me feel this way =o/. ... the use of the term "phenomenal" is waaaaay too excessive. ... i have ugly toes but pretty cuticles, according to micheal. ... canada dry ginger ale is super bueno! ... "summer of sbux" comes to a close. what a major bummer. ... van wilder is my new idol ... what is up with this "chuck norris" business?? ... i promise to write here more ... it's hard to find a place to meditate ... it took me 5 years to discover weinersnitchel. i've had it 5 straight days now. ... halloween is in the horzion - horaaay! ... put a sock in me, cause the giants are ka-poot =o( ... i'm going to new york in march. who's down to play with me?

signing off with grace, i'm out.


PS yes, i do believe in someday...

shitonthefanmakesyouwritemorethanyoudlike:
... i know. it's been a year or something... i'm writing now not for your pleasure, but rather for my sanity. well, maybe for a little of both. you make the call. ... anywho. because everything seemed to hit me right in the balls last week, i felt compelled to channel my thoughts and feelings and experiences through something familiar in my life. ... and behold: xanga.

so sometimes, you work extremely hard to attain something you want that you end up forgetting things that have been important to you. and also, people that have been important to you... you lose that balance and peace, the inner peace that makes you, simply, you. and with me trying to discover/re-discover that balance has been an utterly difficult and painful lesson. and i wonder why i couldn't see things unfolding earlier. but sometimes, it takes being somewhere to realize an idea or to have a thought to manifest itself to make you say "oh my gulai!". that in which brings me to... (story time)

zenfulephiphonydelamer:
i've been hanging around the coast alot more lately. it's amazing what warm sand, playful kiddies, and pretty sunsets can do for my mood. the beach has pretty much been everything to me, from late afternoon adventures to vamparic hours in the night when i can't find parking or just simply can't sleep. ...  a feeling of freedom, peace, and a familiar calm overtakes me. i do my thinking and pork-rind eating here, because my head seems at its clearest. ... and on one specific afternoon (last sunday), i found myself feeling pretty zen after taking a walk down newport.

as i strolled down the beach, i noticed a jagged rock the size of a nickel in the sand, along the edge of the surf. ... ... what caught my attention was it's poetic movement; for in a span of minutes, the tide pushed the rock up-turf, then gently sucked it back down-surf towards the vast pacific... ... i then witnessed the tide roll sideways, left, then onto an angular right, moving, rolling  and swaying the rock along with it. i then realized that in time, as the continuous change of direction applies, this very rock will lose it's jagged edges from the coaxing waves, so much until all of it's sides become smooth and refined, a moment in time where that very rock will wait for a little girl or a wondering boy to pick it up, hold that rock in their hands, and hopefully, to be wisked away to the kids' bedrooms for display. ...  nature has a way of soothing my restless soul sometimes... maybe it'll do the same for yours.

life is about changing. and growing up is about embracing change. i can't forget the past, because the past is what makes a person. hell, i've managed to seek out the worst, and best this last week and a half... i don't want to leave my past this time around. i want to take it on as a part of me. attitude readjustment time. ... it's wierd knowing that you can find an inspired resolve from people you least would expect it from. i am a strong proponent of signs, and i truly believe in fate. and as for the future, i can't wait. i just need to stay positive, be positve, and just believe in myself.

... in order for me to hope for the best, i've realized that i also need to show my best.

 
thingsthataretooimportantformyfinalthoughts:
-change only for people you love and care about, but even so, though those are usually the ones that accept you anyways
-my trombone is super duper cool, even if it smells like an old man
-finding a balance in life is hard, but trying anyway is a pretty good feeling
-not all passionate people are loud. i think i'm one of them.
-long walks are awesome... long walks with a dog would be even more awesomer.
-embracing family is a new junction in my life. ...someone teach me spanish, please. i'll give you a cookie.
-i am a workaholic.


quoteablesthatreallygottomethisweek(andmaybeforever):
"I don't know what's wrong, but let me just hug you anyway" - brittanny m.
"there's no greater scar than a bad fatherhood" - darrin allen
"I see you at work and you're different with them (customers) than you are with some of us." - louis
"(*click*)" - phone call home
"sir, are you sure you'd like 86 chicken mcnuggets?" - sergio, mc'ds


final thoughts:  ... spent a morning wathcing MEH-HEE-CO "football' for two hours and failed to see them sco- zzZZzzz... ... apparently, i am a beef jerky mcnugget monster. rarrrr! ... i need new board shorts. ... it feels good dancing with familiar faces again ... there's just something about sunsets... ... why do mosquitos enjoy my eye lids? ... i wish i had a dog. any dog. ...

ok peoples, have a grande and see you latte.

-jer


PS grampa carding, thank you for the memories. ... stone elephants, smelly ponies, and *A-Team. i.m.u. hahhahaha! =o)

some people think i'm dead:
true story.

but i'm not. life still sucks. nevertheless... let's not dwell. things'll get good. hopefully soon.

10thingsithinkrightnow:

- i hope karma strikes down hard on shady people.
- attitude is everything, and i say i'm going to make it.
- anything to do with dance still gives me an icky feeling.
- pork rinds are really REALLY good.
- one of the happiest days of my life just happened 10 days ago.
- must get back into stealthyninja shape... plus more.
- VIBE 11 is this sunday. how painful. but anyhoo, GO, bitches!
- good conversations make my day.
- i know doing things to prove people wrong is bad, but it motivates me.
- i'm going to make due on promises. i promise.

friend: what comes from the heart will always be felt through the heart. that's probably why you see through people. so stop ignoring that and stop being so nice.

me: interesting.

friend: what i'm saying is to pay attention to those who you feel that honestly like you. and those who don't, just ignore them. no matter how awkward that makes things.

me: but i like everybody. i think.

friend: that's your ass then. good luck with that.

me: you're so zen right now. whatthehell?

friend: im HIGH AS FUCK RIGHT NOW!

me: oh my.

friend: JER OH MY

me: haha. ok. see you at work then.

final thoughts: long story, but getting evicted just as you move in is no bueno ... laguna beach = serenely beautiful. ... .spring training is here. GOOOO GIANTS!... support Phantom. buy his shirts. support Chihoe. buy his cockyness... NEXT is the stupidest show ever. ... i miss my mama. ... tie and shirt, or shiny yellow hat?? we'll see in 12 months. ... watching your ex-teammates work it without you can be pretty depressing sometimes. ... i want a soul patch, but i dont' know why. ... snitches are bitches!!! ... .till next time kids...

peas out.

PS =o)

gotdammit:
i find this sudden urge to ask people  if they really like me as a person. or as just another entity that they need to deal with.

today was just more of a reinforcement of these doubts.

i just want to be an asshole. and say fuck you.



final thoughts: i miss my mother. i miss my sister. i miss last year. and i miss the Giants. ... idontgetit. ... gained 4 lbs, holyhell ... smoking salami. jump for joy. ... i have bad timing ... gina's pizza crust is to die for ... constantly assuring  myself that things will work out is simply beginning to feel degrading ... on the other hand,  midnight walks calms the soul. ... the trinary cut flourish rocks my socks ... toscana, here i come. ... saturday = big delimma ... micro advice for the 49ers: LENDALE WHITE ... buckwheat pillows feel wierd ... feeling tempted  =o\ ...

catch you on the flip. peas.


PS bleh...

hatetosay.butifeelthisway:
it's been awhile... but things happen.

life changes so drastically, so fast, when you live the past and refuse to look to the future. because you're scared. whutta vicious cycle.

-everyday, the last 11 days, i've had a sickening feeling in my stomach. and i know it's not because of food. cause my cooking is BOMB. siiiiike... just had to get that out of the way. ...

talking has always been a hard thing to do for me. but paper, it seems, has been the keeper of my thoughts, my friend, and my way of channeling the life that goes on within. so, here, with xanga as my digital scribe,  i share a moment i had two days ago, during a work break. a moment that caught my attention to my status in life: (an excerpt from a starbucks napkin, 01.07.05 c.4:30pm)

"... i'm here. i see everyone. hear everyone. but the hideous feeling of not belonging haunts me now. i find myself in a crowd of familiar faces, but yet awfully lonely. seemingly, the lonliest i've ever been... i know i try to keep people in my life, but still, i find it hard, as everyone seems to keep drifting off. i've lost my stability in life. and now i find myself amongst these people. but not friends. i wish things were different, and i know i've tried... but to no avail... i have an urge everyday to just pack it up. and leave.  but i know i might miss out on possibly the greatest thing in my life. and that dire chance, is what keeps me here. please, please, (GOD)... make this work. " - it's amazing what you think when you don't think. and just feel.

friendship is a difficult thing to decipher. people say friendships are true when you don't think and you just do, accept faults and just listen, don't say and just appreciate the small instances and gestures they do for you. i don't know why i feel so lost with people at times, and most definitely, recently. why i find it hard to break through. why are some so intimidated of me? what have i done, but more importantly, what can i do? i want to change for them because i care. mold me, stay with me. talk to me. and embrace me.

i want to find my place in life.

PS louis, thank you...

final thoughts: i hate these insecurites ... must find new people. ... i havn't danced in over a month. that says something ... takemebacktoneverland. ... treasure hunts are fun ... 7 days, 12 steaks. man, i am a monstar ... i'm sorry. iwaswrong. ... look at all these people hopping on the kobe bandwagon again!? ... i want to change ... vegas was cool. pics up soon. ... no more laguna beach =  hellabooboo... to ms esther tanasomething, TAKE A SHOT!!! lots of em ... 3.5 gigs of new magic, must practice. ...

peacebewithyou.



PS on a limb.